NFL Power Rankings: Week 5


   32. Cleveland Browns

             2016 record: 0-4
             Week 1 ranking: No. 32

Rinse, wash, repeat. The Browns being the Browns. They keep being so close, yet so far away. Good gawd I feel bad for them this week. Brady is going to rip they heads off #PrayForCleveland

   31. Chicago Bears

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 31

THEY WON!!! THEY FINALLY DID IT!!!! Wait… what? They didn’t move up in the Power Rankings? Oh thats right, because they are still bums.

    30. San Francisco 49ers

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 28

Blaine Gabbert is not a starting Quarterback in this league. Kap is the best QB on this team and he is already getting paid like it. He should be the starter and it isn’t close. I don’t know if he isn’t playing because of his injury but if he can play, he should.

   29. Miami Dolphins

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 27

Miami is a joke. Ryan Tannehill is not a starting QB. He has 0 pocket awareness and this team is suffering from it. This team should be better but they are a dumpster fire.

   28. San Diego Chargers

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 26

Talking about dumpster fires…. Another week another season long injury for a Chargers starter. They had that game in the bag and puked all over themselves. This team is #Done

   27. New Orleans Saints

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 30

How they won this game I will never know. They got 2 beyond lucky turnovers to come back and win a game they had no business in winning. But hey, a win is a win.

   26. Indianapolis Colts

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 23

This team blows. BLOWS. How does Chuck Pagano still have a job? They were even in London? Everyone knows if your struggling team loses in London you leave the coach there and fire him. That is NFL 101.

   25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 25


   24. Tennessee Titans

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 22

Not a great look for the 1st and 2nd overall picks in last years draft. It has been a rough year for Mariota and for Winston. And can someone explain to me why they drafted Derrick Henry when they just traded for DeMarco Murray?? Anyone?

   23. Detroit Lions

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 19

It is never a good sign when you lose to the Brian Hoyer led Bears to give them their only win of the season. The Lions are good as dead.

   22. Jacksonville Jaguars

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 29

JAGING OFF!!! LETS GOOO! Huge win for the London Jaguars. They beat the big bad Colts and Andrew Luck who are the team that was destined to take down the Patriots right? Oh wait. Shit.


   21. New York Jets

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 18


   20. New York Giants

             2016 record: 2-2
             Week 1 ranking: No. 16

What the hell is wrong with Odel Beckham? Hes dead. Josh Normand killed him. He is not the same guy anymore and I don’t know if he is going to be able to turn it around.

   19. Washington Redskins

             2016 record: 2-2
             Week 1 ranking: No. 21

Congrats! You beat the Browns!!! Ayyyy!!!!! I still don’t understand how that call was a fumble btw. Honestly mind blowing shit. This team still sucks and their 2 wins really aren’t that impressive.






  18. Buffalo Bills

             2016 record: 2-2
             Week 1 ranking: No. 24

Well, I guess thats what happens when you play a 3rd string QB that can’t throw because his hand is broken. But, hey Rex got a win in Gillette! Good for him!

   17. Arizona Cardinals

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 9

Did the Patriots kill the Cardinals? I think so. I think Jimmy G shoved it down their throats so hard that he did indeed murder Arizona. Now Palmer is out, so much for that Super Bowl run…

   16. Los Angeles Rams

              2016 record: 3-1
              Week 1 ranking: No. 20

The LA Rams are STILL leading the NFC West!!!! What the hell is going on this year?! How is this possible? I have no fucking idea.

   15. Kansas City Chiefs

             2016 record: 2-2
             Week 1 ranking: No. 12

I was really hoping for a good prime time game too. Thanks for nothing Chiefs. You (As well as the Bills) ruined my Sunday. You just got embarrassed on National TV.

   14. Carolina Panthers

             2016 record: 1-3
             Week 1 ranking: No. 8

I don’t like to brag, but I totally called this. That offensive line was beyond over rated last year and they legit some how like all made the Pro Bowl which is ridiculous. Maybe they should have paid Josh Normand, because Julio just killed them all day.



   13. Oakland Raiders

             2016 record: 3-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 17

The Raiders are living up to the hype! Wow this team is actually looking like they can play. Carr is making all the plays and is throwing it out to his 2 big WRs Cooper and Crabtree.


   12. Atlanta Falcons

             2016 record: 3-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 15

Holy shit Julio…. 300 yards?! Is that a joke? So much for that Carolina Defense huh. Matty Ice just tore that shit up! This team looks legit, but so did they last year when they started the season off undefeated.

   11. Cincinnati Bengals

             2016 record: 2-2
             Week 1 ranking: No. 14

AJ Green have a day! He was their whole Offense last week. He was just unstoppable. I mean it was against that Dolphins secondary, but still. He was the man last Thursday and if I was Dalton, I might wanna keep chucking it up to that guy.

   10. Dallas Cowboys

             2016 record: 3-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 13

Tony Romo will not play another game as the Cowboys starting QB. Is that a hot take at this point? Dak has been amazing for a rookie 4th round pick. Tony Romo is about to end his career as a Cowboy the same way his career started.

   9. Houston Texans

             2016 record: 3-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 10

The Texans are probably going to win that division but only because that division is sooo bad. They bounced back from getting embarrassed by Jacobby and the Patriots.


   8. Philadelphia Eagles

             2016 record: 3-0
             Week 1 ranking: No. 11

Bye Week, AKA still undefeated 😎

   7. Baltimore Ravens

             2016 record: 3-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 5

Aww there goes the Ravens perfect season :/ What happened cool Joe?




   6. Seattle Seahawks

             2016 record: 3-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 7

Are the Seahawks back?! Oh nope they just played Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Jets… What a nice way to walk into your bye week.

   5. Pittsburgh Steelers

             2016 record: 3-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 6

The “Best Offense in the NFL” is back! That is one way to bounce back. They just murdered the Chiefs on National TV and ruined my Sunday Night. Thanks a lot Big Ben.

   4. Green Bay Packers

             2016 record: 2-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 3

Bye Week :/

   3. New England Patriots

             2016 record: 3-1
             Week 1 ranking: No. 1

Well that was ugly. Like really ugly. That was one of the worst Patriots games I have ever seen. And not only because the Patriots lost, but that game was SOOO boring. But don’t worry boys and girls, because the suspension is over. We now get back the best player to ever play the game of football. #PrayForCleveland


   2. Minnesota Vikings

             2016 record: 4-0
             Week 1 ranking: No. 4

This team can’t stop, won’t stop. Sam Bradford is actually playing good! What kind of magic voodoo is this shit? That defense is LEGIT. The Giants got shoved into a locker and Odel got swirlied so bad.


   1. Denver Broncos

             2016 record: 4-0
             Week 1 ranking: No. 2

Fuck this team. I hate the Broncos so much. This shit doesn’t make sense! Not having a real life Quarterback has to catch up to this team eventually, right? It’s gotta. There is no way this Defense can really care this team again. No. The Broncos will lose. I know it deep down. They have to. THEY HAVE TO!!!!!

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